The last few years have opened my whole world up. It used to be so small, so simple. And now it’s complicated and frightening and unpredictable. It’s full of appointments and medical jargon and worry.

I confess, my life up until the last five years was very protected. I had never spent a night in hospital before I gave birth (my mum will correct me if I’m wrong). I have been blessed with good health and my parents have done an amazing job of making my life safe, secure and happy.

Needing to go through IVF to conceive was a bit of a blip but I was cared for extremely well through this process and was successful on first attempt with both my children. I still felt blessed.

In many ways, I know I’m still blessed with what I have: family, friends, a loving husband, a job, a home, gorgeous children.

But I find myself feeling pretty self pitiful a lot of the time. There has been so much trauma, so many obstacles. I honestly can’t quite believe it when I think about it all. But I don’t want to wallow in self pity, it’s not helpful and it’s not how I usually am.

Looking at this differently, these years have been brutal but they have taught me so much that I didn’t understand before. I had no idea how desperate a parent feels when their child is unwell and they can’t fix them. I didn’t know how helpless that would feel and how you’d rip out your own heart to save theirs.

I didn’t know how stripped of energy you become when you juggle pregnancy or a small baby, together with an unwell toddler, with a very heavy dose of anxiety and lingering PTSD thrown in.

I didn’t know how the pain would claw at my relationship with my husband and try to tear it to shreds. We cling together and push each other away at multiple times every day. There is simply no time to sit together and stitch up the torn bits at the moment.

In short, my life has changed beyond recognition and I have too. I hope that ultimately, I become a better person but until the dust settles, I do not know.

As I sit in reception at ICU waiting to get in to see my boy this morning, I raise my plastic cup of cooled water to all the parents and carers out there giving every ounce of love, energy and devotion to their unwell children. I wish it on nobody but until you live it, I’m not sure you can really know.