There is a lot of chat when you first become a mum about listening to your instincts in terms of recognising the needs of your baby. Like many things when Woody was small, I found this practice difficult to apply as I was riddled with self doubt. From what to feed him to how to dress him, from playing, to his health. There were (and still are) so many medical professionals in his world that I always looked to them rather than myself for the answers.

I feel differently now. I feel more confident in my own observations and am more assertive to make sure I’m listened to and taken seriously.

Looking back, my instinct was always correct when it came to Woody’s health but I didn’t know how to vocalise it and in many ways, I think I let Woody down in this way.

Putting this latest puzzle together with Woody, I have a very strong sense about what has happened and why. I’m not medical and Woody’s doctors may find these hunches annoying and impeding. BUT I’m determined not to let Woody down anymore.

I’ve been doing a lot of research over the weekend about the portosystemic shunt and I now have many questions to be answered. My son deserves for his advocate to have all the information available so that he has the best chance of recovery and a full life going forward. I will stand my ground in front of a panel of professors if I have to, not to maintain that I know better than them, but to ensure that all possibilities are being properly considered.

I’ve been thinking about something a bit more abstract as well…

From the moment Woody was born, my mental health collapsed. And it has never fully recovered. What if, in a weird way, my head knew that something else was wrong with his health and in need of repair? Not just his heart? Is it possible for mama instincts to run that deep and keep me alert and vigilant because my son was always at risk of getting more sick than other children due to the shunt?

I’m aware that this all sounds a bit impalpable and unlikely but I can’t shake the feeling that this is what has happened to me. And I suppose this is why I’m so diligently researching and drawing on all my networks and resources to make the best care plan for Woody.