A common theme of parenthood is constant guilt. The feeling that you aren’t doing enough for your child. Not enough attention, stimulation, outings, activities, etc. Parenthood is one of those jobs where there is no clear marker that tells you “you are enough”. Unlike in the working world, where there are sales targets, profit margins, customer satisfaction surveys, regular appraisals, the only appraisers in parenthood are your children and yourself.

I know if my children could appraise me, for the most part, they’d give positive feedback. Probably some complaints about a lack of snacks or my inability to cope when stressed, but overall, I know I’m doing my best.

But today, I’m finding that I’m a tough appraiser of myself. I feel my heart ache with guilt at the idea of leaving Robin at nursery, of leaving Woody at hospital, and of leaving Stewart to cover afternoons and evenings by himself. It’s crushing me that I feel inadequate at every single turn. I can’t care for my family and myself properly – that’s what it boils down to.

Woody has been in hospital for 7 weeks now and I don’t know how to stop feeling like this. I want my family to not suffer – that’s all I want. And I can’t seem to make that happen. Someone is always having to pick up the slack and we’re broken by exhaustion.

I don’t know when that’s going to get better. What if it never does?