Life feels like a state of limbo.

Woody is no longer at hospital, but he has not completely recovered.
He is quite well just now but is waiting for a date to be seen in Birmingham
He doesn’t need a hospital setting but isn’t quite ready for a nursery setting.
I’m no longer on maternity leave but not yet back at work.

Everything feels like a temporary state and the waiting game is really getting me down. Things haven’t progressed one inch in terms of Woody’s referral to Birmingham – if anything, we’re more confused about the next steps. It seems that without me pushing and interfering, Woody would have fallen down the gap between Edinburgh and Birmingham (somewhere in the Lake District maybe??) – the doctors in Edinburgh thought Birmingham were taking the next step to set up an appointment and the doctors in Birmingham thought Edinburgh was setting up a meeting. So both were waiting for the other and, as far as I know, this remains unresolved.

I can feel my frustration and anger so close to the surface at all times. It comes across in how I behave – how I am with my husband and children, how I am behind the wheel of the car, what I dream about, how I approach a task, everything.

As well as frustration, I also find myself absolutely unable to slow down. My default setting is to rush, to stress, to clock watch and to multitask. I’m always doing ten things at once, and thinking of what the next ten things will be. I am programmed to believe that if I don’t live like this, something will be missed and that will be catastrophic. I’m essentially the opposite of mindfulness and it’s doing me no good. It’s adding to my state of anxiety and alertness. I fidget, my heart beats fast and I breathe quickly all the time. I’m not allowing myself to relax. I need to slow down.

With this in mind, i have decided to embark on a bit of a quest of selfishness. It’s not an easy or natural thing for me to do but I can feel myself pushing me from behind because I know I need it. Over the next few weeks, I have booked a massage, a session of forestbathing/meditation/sea swimming and a spa day with a friend. I have also sought out some trauma related therapy that has helped me in the past.

I find it quite difficult to set time aside just for me, especially as the last year and a half has really conditioned me against this. But I do know it will help me AND I will enjoy it. I nearly forgot that I’m allowed to organise things for enjoyment. Oops.

We now have some childcare for Woody at home which is a real blessing. It means I can get tasks done around the house (which I find very good for my soul!) and commit to proper self care, as described above. My body and brain need to understand that everything is ok, and I don’t need to run around frantically anymore.

This afternoon I went to the cinema. I came home not knowing the name of the film I’d seen and I felt pretty ambivalent about it – but the experience of being at the cinema on my own was very good for me. I sat alone in the dark with snacks and plenty of space and I let an OKish film wash over me. It made me focus on just one thing and not check the time or attempt to multi-task. All I had to do was sit there and watch the film. I could feel my brain starting to wander and panic that there was something else I was supposed to be doing, but hopefully more times like that will allow me to slow down and just be.

There were only three of us in the whole screen. Three women – all on our own. I was so tempted to ask their stories but I didn’t. I think we silently all understood our need to be left alone.

Trauma gets trapped in your nervous system and I can feel it there every single second. I’m desperate to be able to relax again – it’s more than just knowing that everything is ok. I have to repave all my pathways that are currently coated thickly with trauma – I have to go through a lot of processing to replace it with feelings of safety, calm and peace.

I need to slow down.