It feels like forever since I wrote here. A lot has happened.

Woody continues to amaze us with his progress. He is looking for a lot of affection from Stewart and I, and is also becoming so lovely and gentle with Robin.

As per my last post, I have been working hard to try to slow everything down – from undertaking tasks to breathing. And I do think it is helping – but I find it so hard to do. I spend a long time having to convince myself that it’s ok for me to lie down, that mowing the lawn can wait, or I can do the tidying later. I feel like I need to justify every little thing I do for myself but I’m hoping as I make self care more of a habit, this internal conflict will fade.

I spent Friday morning with a lovely lady called Anna from Wander Women. I had explained to her about my need to slow down and look inwards, and I knew that I needed someone else to be in charge of me doing this. That’s the only way to stop my internal voice chattering on about washing or nursery or Woody’s next appointment. I also find such peace in the outdoors and I so rarely get to spend any time for me outside, so this was something I was really looking forward to.

So I met Anna on Friday morning and spent time walking in silence amongst trees, leaning against a favourite tree, staring at the sky and the leaves and branches. We did some mindful breathing, I relaxed in a hammock in my own peaceful cocoon. We drank tea, we walked, we looked and listened.

We then headed to Portobello and Anna took me for a short swim in the sea. It was a beautiful sunny day and the sea was so inviting. It wasn’t nearly as cold as I expected (apparently, this is the time of year when the sea is at its warmest – I was lucky!) and I took a lot of joy in walking myself into the sea and feeling the waves roll around me. I felt at peace, strong and capable.

Anna and I talked quite a lot about how easy it is to disengage with the most natural activities and feelings – to feel the cold of the sea against your skin, to allow sand in between your toes, to feel the bark of a tree against your back. I love the outdoors and I think I’ve become quite detached from it, perhaps because of Covid but more so, because the busyness of life and parenthood has just swallowed up a lot of opportunities to be amongst nature – not for the kids, but for me.

Anyway, it felt amazing to spend a morning in this way and it has definitely proved to me that I need to spend more time on me, especially outside. When I explained what I’d been doing to Stewart in the evening and how wonderful it was, he said “You’re a bit of a hippie, aren’t you?” and it’s true, I am. I like to keep things simple, get back to nature, relax, breathe and wonder at the small things life has to offer. But I’ve drifted quite far from being this person and I need to bring some of it back.

Yesterday, as a family, we went to the beach, and while I didn’t swim in the sea, we did all go for a paddle and there was a summery magic about it for a short time – until everyone got sand everywhere and all hell broke loose.

One thing I have noticed is that my anxiety and fragility are coming to the surface. By slowing down the automatic frantic mode, these feelings can finally creep in. Perhaps that’s why I wasn’t allowing myself to slow down – because I knew if I did, I would start to feel things that are difficult. I’ve been feeling vulnerable, overwhelmed and a bit sad. And it’s a relief to feel these things, rather than the hard shell of franticness and anger that were keeping these softer emotions below the surface. I need to feel them and hopefully get beyond them, as I start to heal and feel like me again.

As for Woody, he finally has an initial assessment date in Birmingham – just a couple of weeks away. This is just the first step – for them to see if fully or partially closing his shunt is safe to do. It could cause high blood pressures going to the liver which would be exceptionally dangerous so this assessment is really important. Stewart will take Woody and I will stay at home with Robin. It simply isn’t practical to take a baby when she wouldn’t be allowed in the hospital anyway and they will need to be there for at least three days.

We know we’ll have to wait a while to find out what (if anything) happens next because the results of this assessment get presented at an international forum and they collectively decide what can or cannot happen. This defect is so rare that it does require international consultation, which is reassuring in a way but also drags the process out a bit. I just want my boy safe from any more harm. He’s been through enough.

We’re having lots of discussions with Woody’s therapists and the nursery about whether he can return to nursery and if so, which room, which hours and what additional needs he would have. It’s a daunting prospect but he really does need to be around his peers again – it’s been three months. Today at the park, he made a beeline for a group of kids and obviously wants more peer interaction.

So, we have a significant couple of weeks ahead of us, but it’s all moving in the right direction. I just need to maintain some space for me to feel as a person, not just a mum.