When a pan of water starts to boil, small bubbles form at the bottom of the pan, and slowly they rise to the top, one by one. Then more and more, as the pan starts to simmer and eventually the water boils furiously under intense heat.

My emotions are just starting to form into bubbles at the bottom of the pan. A few have made their way to the surface and been exposed to the air, but I know it’s only the beginning.

Over the last few days, I have become more and more fragile and sensitive. I feel like a very fine glass vessel, likely to shatter under the slightest pressure. It’s not a case of “if” but “when” and that’s making life extremely unpredictable.

A few weeks ago, a friend from school died – a very close friend of 29 years. Yesterday it was her funeral. My heart ached that I had not been by her side during her final few weeks, that I had not provided her with the care and comfort that I should have, and shown her the love that she deserved and gave out so willingly. The funeral was a perfect remembrance of the incredible person she was but it was also a clear indication to me of how disconnected I am from my emotions. Most of these bubbles haven’t even begun forming yet, never mind, making their way to the surface.

I’m in a limbo state – the water is neither still, nor boiling. And the problem is, my emotions appear at the surface at random times. There are triggers all over the place that send me into an almost paralytic state of anxiety. My children crying, being physically “messed with”, loud noises, early mornings – they all shake me and make me wonder when exactly my glass shell is going to shatter. I’m fearful of that day.

I decided today to increase my dose of Sertraline – medication for anxiety. I’m too fragile and we have a tough few weeks coming up. In short, I need all the help I can get to try to be stable and maybe strengthen that glass shell, at least for a while.

So, if I’m up and down, present then absent, seemingly capable and then woefully inept, just bear with me. I know this is something I have to walk through, rather than skirt around, in order to recover. But I also know it won’t be easy. I have finally shed some tears but not enough… there are a lot more to come when the bubbles rise some more.